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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30015069">Why Don't You Show Me Where It Hurts?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellosunshinemyoldfriend/pseuds/Hellosunshinemyoldfriend'>Hellosunshinemyoldfriend</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>9-1-1 Season 3, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Trigger Warning: depression, trigger warning suicidal thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:48:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,847</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30015069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellosunshinemyoldfriend/pseuds/Hellosunshinemyoldfriend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All he had wanted was to come back to work, back to his family. He hadn't meant to hurt them with the lawsuit - it was the only way he could think of to get back to where he belonged, but now he's back at work and everything has changed.</p><p>Nobody will talk to him and the silence is becoming too much. </p><p>"I can't live like this anymore."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>177</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Silence is a scary sound</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't know where this came from, I know its probably a bit ooc but I'm having some serious writers block and this is all my mind could come up with.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span class="u"><br/></span>Evan Buckley stood in front of his bathroom mirror, trying to work up the strength to start getting ready for his 24 hour shift. <br/><br/>He had been back where he thought he belonged at station 118 for several weeks now, but with every passing day it felt less like the home he had fought so hard to get back to.<br/><br/>His friends were angry, he knew that but there was more to it.<span class="u"><br/><br/></span>The anger he could take. After all he had filed a lawsuit against them. <br/><br/>So yeah, he could deal with angry, he could deal with hurt. They could scream at him until they were blue in the face, and while it would <em>hurt </em>he could take it.<br/><br/>The silence was killing him though. <br/><br/>Ever since he had been reinstated the only time the team really spoke to him was when they absolutely had to. <br/><br/>Chimney and Hen tried to include him, but every time they would extend a verbal olive branch, try to circle him into an ongoing conversation, the conversation would immediately come to a standstill.<br/><br/>‘They’ll get over it Buck.’ Chimney would promise with an apologetic clap to his shoulder at the end of each shift, but Buck wasn’t a fool, he saw the looks Chim and Hen shared each time Bucks attempt at conversation stammered off and he inevitably slunk away in dejection.<br/><br/>He appreciated their efforts, but every day was a battle, and the optimism he once had in abundance was quickly running out. <br/><br/>Getting out of bed in the morning was getting harder and harder each morning. Eating was becoming a chore – for he rarely had an appetite, even the smell of Bobby’s cooking had started to make his stomach churn painfully, though Buck thought that had something to do with the cold reception he received anytime he tried to join his crew at the dinner table.<br/><br/>Family dinners had become a thing of the past – for him anyway, it seemed he was no longer family. <br/><br/>Instead Buck would hide out in the locker room, trying to psych himself up enough to hold on. <br/><br/><em>Just one more day.<br/><br/></em>That was what he told himself every morning. <br/><br/>But even he was starting to lose faith that things would get better. <br/><br/>He tried telling himself that they would come around, but how could he keep denying that they didn’t care anymore? There was no way they hadn’t noticed how much he was falling apart. <br/><br/>Every time he looked in the mirror Buck found a stranger staring back at him. He was looking thin and drawn, the dark circles beneath his eyes stood out starkly against his too pale skin. <br/><br/>His hands shook all the time, he wasn’t sure if it was the stress, the lack of nutrition or the exhaustion – Probably a combination of the three. <br/><br/>How could they not see? <br/><br/><em>Maybe they just don’t care. </em>Whispered the voice in the back of his mind. <br/><br/>He knew that voice well, it had followed him all his life. It was the sound of his parents, constantly disappointed, the sound of Maddie leaving him when she had always promised he would never be alone. <br/><br/>It was the sound of his fire family turning their backs on him when all he had wanted was to come back to work, to be with his team again.<br/><br/>But that would never happen, he was starting to understand that. <br/><br/>He had screwed up, again. <br/><br/>‘Arrgh!’ Buck cried out, slamming his fist into the mirror, a rush of feeling running through him as the glass bit into his clenched fist. Bright red blood began to seep through the small gashes on his hand and run down his arm. <br/><br/>He watched mesmerized as the blood dripped down into the sink. For the first time in weeks he felt something other than numb. <br/><br/>Suddenly he remembered all the times he had hurt himself as a kid, doing crazy stunts on his skateboard, or the time he fell out of a tree – They had been the only times his parents had noticed he was there, that he was alive. <br/><br/>He looked down at his bloody hand.<br/><br/><em>Maybe, </em>He thought desperately, <em>It could work again.<br/><br/></em>He looked up at the shattered mirror, several deformed reflections of himself blinking back at him owlishly. <br/><br/>Slowly he reached down for one of the larger shards of broken glass laying innocently in the sink. <br/><br/>He picked it up and palmed it carefully, running his finger along the sharp edge before pulling it back with a soft hiss as a blood began to slowly seep out of the shallow cut on the tip of his finger. <br/><br/>For a long drawn out moment he watched hypnotized as the blood dripped down onto the glass shard he still held in his other hand.<br/><br/>He felt a sudden rush, his heart hammered rapidly in his chest and that harsh voice in the darkest corner of his mind called out that he had found an answer to his problems. For a terrifying moment he thought about lifting the glass to his wrist, and letting some of his bottled up pain escape.<br/><br/>Then all at once it was like he came back to himself. <br/><br/>‘Oh my God.’ He muttered jumped back and throwing the bloody glass back into the sink, and looking down at the blood still steadily running down his arm. <br/><br/>‘Damn blood thinners.’ He hissed softly as he padded across the room to grab a handful of toilet paper to try and stop the flow of blood. <br/><br/>He stood there for several minutes, waiting for the blood flow to slow down, sighing with relief as it eventually did. He pulled back the bloody toilet paper to inspect the cuts. <br/><br/>Thankfully none of them were too deep. But he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking at how badly the situation could have gone. At how <strong>good </strong>it had felt to feel <strong><em>something</em></strong>.<br/><br/>It scared him, but he knew he had to deal with it by himself. He didn’t want to stress Maddie out anymore then he already had, and he knew he couldn’t tell the rest of the 118 – He knew he was a burden he didn’t need them to tell him that.</p><p> </p><p>_________________________________________________</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Buck plastered a fake smile onto his face as he walked into the firehouse for his shift, his hand was bandaged and he had the wrist cuff of his dark blue hoodie pulled down as far as he could get it to try and hide the stark white bandage he’d wrapped the cuts up in. <br/><br/>Not that he had to worry, nobody would make eye contact with him anyway. <br/><br/>‘Buckley! You’re late.’ Bobby scolded, leaning over the upstairs railing. <br/><br/>‘Sorry Cap.’ Buck apologized meekly, keeping his head down as he made a beeline for the locker room. He tried not to groan as he saw Chimney sitting on the bench, tying his boots. <br/><br/>‘Hey Buck.’ He said politely, he looked up from his boots frowning as his eyes zeroed in on the white bandage around Bucks hand.<br/><br/>‘Are you okay? What happened?’ <br/><br/>‘Oh its nothing.’ Buck shuffled towards his locker uncomfortably as Chimney rose to his feet. ‘Just a scrape.’<br/><br/>‘Here let me see.’ Chimney said reaching out towards Buck, stopping in his tracks when Buck flinched back violently.<br/><br/>‘Woah, Buck it’s okay, I just want to check you out.’ Chimney soothed raising his hands like he was trying to placate a wounded animal. <br/><br/>‘I’m fine Chim.’ His voice shook slightly betraying his bravado and Buck winced at how weak he was. He couldn’t even handle a little scrape, no wonder his team hated him. <br/><br/>Chimney kept his hands up but he took a small step towards Buck, frowning as Buck took a step back. <br/><br/>‘I don’t think you are Buckaroo.’ He said softly, as he took in how pale and exhausted his young friend looked. ‘When was the last time you had a decent meal? Or got a full night’s sleep?’ <br/><br/>‘Um,’ Buck mind started spinning as his wide eyes started bouncing around the room, desperate for an escape. He didn’t even notice that he had clenched his fists so tightly that the wounded one had begun to bleed again, the white bandage slowly blooming red. <br/><br/>Chimney noticed though. ‘Did you cut yourself Buck?’ He asked calmly.<br/><br/>‘Oh, it was ah - it was an accident.’ Buck said with a false chuckle.<br/><br/> ‘You know me Chim, always getting myself into trouble.’ It might have been convincing if he hadn’t taken another step backwards, jumping almost out of his skin as his back hit the lockers behind him.<br/><br/>‘Buck,’ Chimney began, sounding concerned. <br/><br/>‘It’s fine Chim.’ Buck interrupted. ‘Really, I’m fine. I patched it up and I’m all good.’ He was speaking rapidly and his entire body had begun to tremble. <br/><br/>‘Its fine, its fine. Everything’s fine. I’m fine.’ He chanted softly as his knees seemed to buckle and he slowly slid down the lockers, landing on the floor with a soft thud. <br/><br/>‘Buck? Hey, hey hey, its okay.’ Chimney jumped across the room, reaching out to cradle Bucks head from hitting the ground as his eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped to the side. <br/><br/>‘Buck!’ <br/><br/>_______________________________________________________________________________________</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. We'll Fix it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Buck wakes up but he quickly wishes he could have stayed unconscious - It felt easier then dealing with the consequences of the mask he'd worked so hard to put up slip away so abruptly.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>________________________________________</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong><span class="u"><br/>
<br/>
</span></strong>The first thing Buck was aware of was the overwhelming sense of dread he usually felt after a big night out where he had made a bit of a dick of himself.<br/>
<br/>
The deep penetrating shame reverberated throughout Bucks body before he even opened his eyes. He could hear the soft murmurs of people standing around him, and for a long moment he fought the urge to lay as still as possible until the talking stopped and he was alone again.<br/>
<br/>
He cringed inwardly at the thought. He was being weak <em>again.<br/>
</em><br/>
He fought back the urge to dig his nails into his palms in panic, in anger. It rose up in his chest and for a second he thought he might actually die of shame<em><br/>
<br/>
</em>It was one thing to know everybody thought you were a failure but he just had to keep going out of his way to prove it to them didn’t he?<br/>
<br/>
‘Buck? You back with us?’<br/>
<br/>
He bit back a groan and contemplated laying perfectly still and waiting everyone out. Surely it wouldn’t be too long before they gave up and left him alone.<br/>
<br/>
<em>Again<br/>
<br/>
</em>‘Evan?’<br/>
<br/>
His eyes wrenched open against his will at the sound of her voice.<br/>
<br/>
‘Maddie?’ He croaked hoarsely, blinking blinding at the bright station lights burning above him.<br/>
<br/>
‘What…’ He licked his lips, ‘What are you doing here?’<br/>
He sounded weak and pathetic, even to his own ears, and he felt his cheeks heat up in shame as his sister, along with the rest of the 118 starred down at him lying on the locker room floor.<br/>
<br/>
Maddie reached out to stoke his hair back, smiling down at him kindly. ‘I was in the area, thought I’d swing by and say hello.’<br/>
<br/>
<em>Oh 

</em>He licked his lips again. <em>When did his mouth get so dry?</em><br/>
‘Hi.’ He joked weakly.<br/>
<br/>
She laughed, her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. ‘Hi yourself.’ Her fingers ran through his hair gently, and he couldn’t help but lean into the affection.<br/>
<br/>
‘How are you feeling Buck?’ Bobby asked interrupting the siblings’ moment.<br/>
<br/>
Hen and Chimney who were knelt by his side changing the bandage on his cut up hand shared a look over Bucks head, while Bobby and Eddie stood over the huddled group, arms crossed and looking uncomfortable.<br/>
<br/>
‘I’m okay Cap.’ Buck felt the blush on his cheeks deepen, ‘I just…’ He trailed off with a small shrug. Every excuse that came to mind would just lead to more questions.</p><p><br/>
‘Oh sure,’ Eddie bit out sarcastically. ‘You’re great, that’s why we found you passed out and bleeding.’<br/>
<br/>
‘Eddie, not now.’ Chim scolded as he finished taping Bucks hand with a friendly clap to his upper arm. ‘There we go Buckaroo, bleeding has stopped and we even changed the bandage, no extra charge.’</p><p> </p><p>‘Thanks Chim, Hen.’<br/>
<br/>
‘I’d say anytime Buck but I’d really rather you try to stay out of trouble, at least for a little while.’ Hen said climbing up from the ground and dusting herself off. ‘Why don’t we give Buck a second guys?’ She suggested strongly. ‘He only passed out, blood pressure was a little high, but he’ll be fine with a bit of rest, something to eat and a goodnight sleep.’<br/>
<br/>
She ushered Eddie and Bobby out of the room, looking back at Buck pointedly. ‘In that order Buck.’<br/>
<br/>
‘Yes Dr Wilson.’ He replied with a rouge grin, though everyone could tell his heart wasn’t in it.<br/>
<br/>
The three of them left the room, leaving Maddie and Chimney kneeling on either side of Buck.<br/>
<br/>
‘Come on buddy let’s get you up.’ Chim reached out and helped Buck sit up against the lockers, reaching out and double checking his pulse. ‘Its slowing down now,’ He said looking over at Maddie, who nodded in acknowledgment.<br/>
<br/>
‘Huh?’ Buck asked tiredly reaching out to take the bottle of water Maddie offered to him.<br/>
<br/>
‘Your heart was racing Buck.’ Maddie explained gently. ‘I think you had a panic attack.’<br/>
<br/>
‘Oh.’<br/>
<br/>
‘What’s going on Evan? You’ve been so distant lately, and when I do see you, you’re almost always a million miles away. You’re obviously not eating properly, you’ve lost at least 10 pounds in the last couple of weeks. You look exhausted Evan. I’m worried about you.’<br/>
<br/>
She had reached out and taken his good hand squeezing it gently while simultaneously running her thumb over his knuckles.<br/>
<br/>
It took him back to all the times she had taken care of him when he was a little boy.<br/>
<br/>
‘We’re all worried about you Buckaroo.’ Chim added reaching out to squeeze Bucks shoulder. ‘You haven’t been yourself lately. What’s going on with you?’<br/>
<br/>
Buck drew his knees up to his chest, sighing heavily.<br/>
<br/>
‘Come on Chim, you know how it’s been around here lately.’ He said refusing to tear his eyes away from his knees. ‘Everybody hates me.’<br/>
<br/>
‘Oh Evan.’ Maddie’s grip on his hand tightened, as she shot a bewildered look at Chimney.<br/>
<br/>
‘Buck’ Chimney said gently. ‘Nobody hates you.’ He paused for a second, ‘Okay,’ he conceded, ‘they’re still a little bitter about the lawsuit I’ll grant you that, But nobody hates you.’<br/>
<br/>
‘You and Hen are the only ones who’ve willingly said more than two words to me since I came back.’<br/>
<br/>
‘It’s gone too far.’ Chimney conceded. ‘We’ll fix it.’ He looked from Buck to Maddie and back again. ‘We’ll fix it.’ He promised.<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
Buck closed his eyes against the bitter sting of tears and lent his head back against the lockers with a soft clang.<br/>
<br/>
‘I don’t know Chim.’ He whispered sadly. ‘I don’t think I’m worth the hassle.’<br/>
<br/>
‘Evan, don’t say that!’ Maddie scolded gently.<br/>
<br/>
‘Why not Maddie?’ He asked resignedly. ‘It’s the truth.’<br/>
He rubbed at his face tiredly as tears prickled in the corners of his eyes. ‘Will you take me home?’<br/>
<br/>
‘That’s a good idea.’ Chim agreed getting to his feet and leaning down to help Buck to the same. ‘Take him home, get him to eat something, and then put him to bed. He’ll feel better after a long nap.’<br/>
<br/>
‘and you?’ Maddie asked Chim pointedly as she wrapped an arm around Bucks waist and started helping him across the room.<br/>
<br/>
‘Don’t worry Maddie.’<br/>
<br/>
Chim looked up at the second floor, his brow drawn in a deep frown.<br/>
<br/>
‘I’m going to sort this mess out.’<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry its a little short but I was desperate to get an update out before my schedule gets a little hectic over the next week or so. Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Breaking Point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><strong><span class="u"><br/></span></strong>Maddie tried to keep a look of calm on her face as she helped her brother walk out to his jeep. Her arm wrapped tightly around his waist, she blinked back tears as she felt him trembling ever so slightly in her arms. <br/><br/>‘When was the last time you had a goodnights sleep?’ She asked gently. Now she was so close to him see could see just how exhausted he really looked.<br/><br/>Buck shrugged lightly, keeping his eyes downcast as they slowly shuffled across the parking lot. ‘It’s been awhile I guess.’<br/><br/>She sighed, but didn’t push the matter. Right now it seemed more important to just get her brother to stay calm. <br/><br/>‘Okay.’ She said opening the jeeps passenger side door with a small huff, moving her arm from around Bucks waist to rub a few circles on his back encouragingly. ‘In you go.’<br/><br/>He frowned at her. ‘I’m driving.’ <br/><br/>‘Nope.’ She pulled the car keys she had grabbed out of his locker out and dangled them in front of him. ‘I’m driving.’<br/><br/>‘Maddie-‘<br/><br/>‘Evan.’ She interrupted. ‘Look at your hands.’<br/><br/>He glanced down at his hands, a look of shock stretching across his face when he saw just how badly they were shaking. <br/><br/>‘Maddie-‘He looked up at her, with wide wet eyes, clouded over with exhaustion. ‘I-I don’t…’<br/><br/>‘Shhh.’ she soothed as she reached up to wipe away a stray tear he hadn’t even noticed had fallen. <br/><br/>‘It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. We’ll fix you up Evan, I promise.’ She held out her pinky finger, smiling as he reached out his still shaking hand to wrap his own pinky around hers in answer. <br/><br/>‘Okay.’ He choked out as several more tears fell from his eyes.<br/><br/>‘Oh Ev.’ She stood on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his shoulders quickly. ‘Its gonna be okay.’ She whispered softly into his ear, one hand rubbing circles on his back, the other she reached up to run her fingers through his hair. <br/><br/>The two siblings stood there for a long moment before Buck pulled back, a light pink blush dusting his cheeks. <br/><br/>‘I’m sorry.’ He said miserably wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Maddie’s heart ached at the act, he looked so much like the little boy she had basically raised. <br/><br/>‘You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you understand me? <strong>Nothing</strong>.’ <br/><br/>He shrugged but didn’t say anything more, not as she helped settle him into the passenger seat, not as she had to click in his seat belt for him because he hands were shaking so much, not even when, after climbing into the car and starting off down the street, Maddie reached over and put her hand on his knee, squeezing gently.<br/><br/>‘You’re gonna be okay little brother, I promise.’<br/><br/>He gnawed on his bottom lip anxiously as another tear spilled over and ran down his face. He didn’t bother wiping it away, what was the point. <br/><br/>There was no bravado to keep, he had shown his hand. <br/><br/>He was just as weak as they all thought he was. They were right to have not wanted him back. <br/><br/><br/>___________________________________________<br/><br/><br/>Chimney watched as Maddie and Buck slowly walked out of the fire station. Rubbing his eyes with a heavy sigh.<br/><br/>Buck had looked absolutely <em>wrecked.<strong> <br/><br/></strong></em>How had he not noticed sooner? Sure he’d been trying to keep an eye on the kid. Maddie had asked him too, but she needn’t have. <br/><br/>Chimney and Hen had been doing their best to keep tabs on their young friend since his return to duty. Obviously they hadn’t done a very good job. <br/><br/>Guilt stabbed at Chimneys conscious but he pushed it down. He could feel terrible later, right now he needed to talk to the rest of the team.<br/><br/>He trudged up the stairs wearily, already knowing what was waiting for him the moment he came into view.<br/><br/>Bobby, Hen and Eddie were sitting around the kitchen table, steaming mugs sitting untouched in front of them, and another in front of an empty chair, just waiting for him.<br/><br/>‘How is he?’ Hen asked as soon as he had sat down, joining the others at the table.<br/><br/>‘Honestly?’ He replied as he picked up his mug and gulped down the warm coffee. ‘I don’t know. Not good.’<br/><br/>‘His hand?’ Bobby asked leaning forward in concern.<br/><br/>‘No his hand is just a couple of superficial cuts, that’ll be fine.’<br/><br/>‘What then?’ Eddie asked gruffly, his hands wrapped so tightly around his mug that his knuckles were white. <br/><br/>  Chimney groaned. ‘I don’t know. I think he’s incredibly run down. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been eating or sleeping properly for quite a while.’ <br/><br/>He looked over at Bobby, his face drawn and serious. ‘I think we might’ve pushed him into a nervous breakdown.’<br/><br/>Chimney watched as his words washed over Bobby’s face. The man suddenly looked 10 years older. <br/><br/>‘You mean I pushed him into a nervous breakdown.’ He said guiltily. <br/><br/>‘No.’ Eddie said shaking his head. ‘It was me too.’ He looked down at his hands now clasped tightly in front of him. ‘I was so harsh with him. He didn’t deserve that. I’m mad at him, we all were,’ He looked up at his team, his family, ‘But we took out our anger from other stuff on him too.’ <br/><br/>‘I just didn’t want him to rush into anything.’ Bobby said sadly. ‘Athena told me that Buck wasn’t me, that he wasn’t making <em>my </em>mistakes, but I didn’t want to hear it.’<br/><br/>‘Where is he?’ Hen asked looking around as though she expected to see him pop up over the balcony any second. <br/><br/>‘Maddie took him home, kid was shaking so badly he could barely walk. I’m surprised he hasn’t passed out sooner, I helped him up off of the floor and I could tell he’s lost a lot of weight.’ <br/><br/>He watched as all their faces fell even more at his words.  <br/><br/>‘Do you think it’s just the stress of…everything?’ Hen asked seriously. ‘Or do you think there’s something else?’<br/><br/>Guilt rose up in Chimneys stomach at her words. <br/><br/>‘I think it’s probably a combination of a lot of things.’ He said honestly. ‘He went through five long months of recovery after the ladder truck crushed him, only to almost die from a pulmonary embolism-in front of pretty much everyone he knows at that.’ <br/><br/>He rubbed at his brow as a headache began to form like a knot behind his eyes. <br/>‘Looking back at it now I think a part of having a goal to work towards, was to keep him distracted, from the horror of what he went through, first with the accident, and then when he nearly died in a freaking tsunami, during which he lost Christopher.’ <br/><br/>Eddie winced. ‘He didn’t <em>lose </em>him.’ <br/><br/>‘You know what I mean.’ Chimney said with a sigh. ‘Through all of that Buck had one goal. One reason to keep the nightmares at bay – To get back to work.’ He looked at them all earnestly. ‘To get back to his <em>team.</em>’<br/><br/>‘And I kept pushing him back.’ Bobby sighed, rubbing at his own brow. Chimney had a feeling they were all nursing headaches at this point.<br/><br/>‘We all did.’ Hen said softly. ‘We <strong><em>all </em></strong>messed up with Buckaroo.’<br/><br/>‘That’s right.’ Chimney agreed. ‘And now we <strong><em>all</em></strong>  have to fix it.’<br/><br/> ‘One question,’ Eddie said leaning his elbows on the table and hunching his shoulders, looking miserable. ‘How do we do that?’<br/><br/><br/></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>To be honest I'm not super happy with this so it might get edited but I find actually publishing writing a really useful tool in working through things - it gets the words out of my brain more then just having a saved document does, probably something to do with putting your work out into the universe - Anyway - thanks for reading.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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